Where's Molly?
by LolaGirl14
Summary: My contribution to the 'Where's Molly' challenge.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is my contribution to 'Where's Molly' one shot.**

 **I have not written for a few months so i'm feeling a bit rusty. Thanx for reading.**

I'm sulking I'm aching for a fight. I've provoked him beyond belief but, he's just smiled, nodded and ignored my comments. Tonight we are on countdown, tonight is our last night together because tomorrow he is leaving me to go on tour. I watch his face and he looks so happy packing his bergen. Despite him saying he'd rather be at home with me I know he cant wait to get out there. It hurts to think he is happy to be leaving me and I feel some sympathy for Rebecca his first wife. Not a lot of sympathy though she's a right cow.

It's always the same when one of us is going away it's like, I guess its sort of a tradition now I start a row he calms it and we make up. I'm making a memory I want to have lots of things to remember whilst he's gone. I'm not bleeding superstitious its all mumbo jumbo nonsense. But, if I didn't do it this once and some'it happened well, I'd never forgive meself. I don't think he knows I'm doing it deliberately he just thinks I'm losing the plot or something. I don't know how he stays so bleeding calm, I cant get a calmness in my nut at all. Every time I think about it well, I feel sick. I want to weep, I want to scream don't go, don't leave me. But, I know I cant this is the job, this is the deal. So i'll wait and tomorrow when I'm alone i'll scream and throw stuff around. Today well today I just want to take everything in. I want to sit and watch him pack but I know he finds it irritating he has a routine and I get in the way of it.

I shiver as I suddenly think back to that day on the bridge and he looks across the room at me. His brown eyes softening as he holds my gaze. How did I Molly Dawes end up with someone like him so out of my league. He loves me, adores me, says I'm brilliant, I am wanted, I am safe. I don't think I ever thought it would happen to me. But then if someone had told me i'd join the army I'd have laughed them out of the room. I pull his oversized shirt around me feeling a chill in the room. It smells of him I wont wash it until he gets home safe and sound. I'll wear it every day as I wait for him to come back to me.

He's crouching in front of me concern on his face. I reach out and touch his skin my fingers tracing the contours. His eyes search mine worry etched in them. Mine fill up and a lone tear trickles down my face. He reaches up and wipes it away leaning towards me to brush his lips over mine. I close my eyes and savour the moment. I need to remember this moment. Just in case….

He's asking if we should order a takeaway? I nod and try to smile. I'm a hopeless cook I tell him all the time my skills lay elsewhere. Thats when he normally bites his lip as he looks me up and down before saying something seductive. It always works he is my soulmate not in a mushy sentimental type of way. Its more than that we saw so much in Afghan, we went through so much to end up here where we are today.

He's talking to me asking if I'm okay. I'm not he's leaving me alone and he's going away with her for six months. I saw her walking around the base yesterday. She's like a supermodel only shorter but, taller than me. She walks with a cockiness of someone who knows she's shit hot at what she does and doesn't care who knows it. I saw Fingers and Mansfield laughing and joking with her and I felt jealous. Jealous that my boys like her and jealous that I've been replaced.

I speak quietly as I respond to him it seems to appease him and he stands up going back to his packing. There is so much I want to say, so much I need to tell him. But, I hold back because my sulk needs to end I know that. So I stand and walk across the room my arms slinking around his taut body. I feel him relax and lean into me as I breathe him in. I want to remember it all, I need to remember it. Just in case….

xxxx xxxx

And now I'm dropping him off at Brize watching him unload the car. I drive now he made me take driving lessons. He'd tried to teach me but bloody hell he shouted at me so much I couldn't take it. So I got some bloke locally and I'd passed me test first time. He was so proud of me when I came home he'd made a banner an everything.

I look around the car park watching the lads unloading bags. Brains spots us and comes over hugging me tightly. He can see it in my eyes he says nothing but, whispers something comforting in my ear. I nod and plaster a bright smile on me face. I'm trying hard to keep it together this time its harder, this time there is more at stake.

Oh bleeding hell I spot her and she's walking towards us. 'Morning Bossman.' My head jerks up as I hear the words I once used and I gasp in shock. He is oblivious to my discomfort as he smiles down at her. His face lighting up as he speaks back. He is happy to be going on tour, I sense that need in him to get back out there and do something useful. He hates being sat behind a desk. 'Lane good morning everything ship shape?' She nods and I feel her eyes turn towards me. She smiles and stretches a hand towards me. 'You must be the famous Molly.' I laugh nervously and wish I'd put some more slap on. 'Hello.' I feel tongue tied its not often it happens to me. A hand reaches for mine and I look up gratefully as he clasps it tightly. 'You've a lot to live up to Lane. Molly Dawes is a legend around 2 section.' She nods as she absorbs his words watching us as we watch her.

I gaze at her and see nothing but a friendly face. There is no scoping me out, sizing me up she seems genuine, friendly no agenda. 'Look after my boys Corporal Lane they mean a lot to me. And if this one starts walking across a bridge don't bleeding follow him.' We all laugh and he drops my hand to pull my body close. My hand snakes around his waist and although I cant feel his skin I feel the warmth of his body radiating though his shirt. 'I'll do my best Molly. You take care of yourself and maybe when we are all back we can meet up. I'll have plenty of stories about that lot.' She nods over her shoulder and we look as the lads are greeting each other. 'They never change do they?' I laugh as I watch them playing around before they look over and give us a wave as they walk into the building.

She disappears after them and suddenly its just us two. I cant go in so I will stay out here and wait for the plane to take off. I will watch until its out of sight my eyes will squint in the sunshine to keep track of it. I need to watch it I need to make a memory of that. Just in case….

He's watching me and I know its coming that moment when he will leave me. I bury my face into his chest. 'I love you.' My voice is muffled as I speak because I'm crying openly now and he knows it. I don't want to cry I'm s'posed to be hard but I'm out of sorts. Its different I'm different.

He starts running through a list of jobs to do in the house. He's trying to detach so we can let go of each other. _Don't forget the chimney needs sweeping the number is on the fridge._ Fuck the chimney I think. I nod sadly the moment is seconds away now. Yesterday it was hours and as we parked the car it was minutes and now….

His lips touch mine softly as he says goodbye. He stands up straight and looks around before leaning back down to kiss me again. His hands are gripping my waist and his fingers dig into my skin it hurts as he holds me so tightly but I don't wince or moan. He's going any second I can bear this.

He steps back and looks down at me. His eyes are watery as they hold mine and I notice the gold flecks in them, his face is sad as he gets ready to go. His voice is shaky as he speaks. 'I'll email as soon as we get into the base and I'll call you tomorrow night okay?' I nod through the tears and his fingers touch my face to wipe them away. 'Six months Molly and I'll be home.' I nod slowly and try to smile my hand brushing across my face to wipe the tears that wont stop falling. 'I know it'll be fine, I'm fine.' He knows I'm lying but right now it's the best thing for both of us. He needs to go thinking i'll be okay and I need to get home and smash dishes, scream, cry and blame the bloody British Army for taking my husband to bleeding Kenya.

His forehead touches mine briefly and then he's lifting his bags and with a final squeeze of my hand and a whispered 'I love you.' He walks away. He stops briefly at the entrance door and waves he gives a quick nod and smiles, I smile and wave back and then he's gone. I lean against the car and try to catch my breath as I take in the enormity of what is happening. He's gone and although he's only a building away from me I cant get to him. I wait, I know it will be at least two hours before they take off.

I sit in the car crying I'm not normally this pathetic I look down at my flat stomach. This time its different I didn't tell him. How could I? ' _Charles before you go I'm pregnant see you in six months.'_

'I'd wanted to I really wanted to see his face when I told him. I should be so happy, we should be so happy. But, I knew he'd worry about me too much and I need him home in one piece. I need him to stay focused and alert out there. I need him to stay alive and come back to me, to us. So I said nothing and thats what I'm blaming this over the top emotional behaviour on. They say your hormones go doo-lally when you're pregnant so that must be it.

I watch the clock on the dashboard and wait. I'm good at waiting out it's an occupational hazard you learn to be patient whether it's siting in the car waiting for a plane to take off or sitting in a ditch waiting for the Taliban. I think about him right this minute getting the platoon ready for departure; the stock take of all the kit, the briefing and the obligatory platoon photo. I smile as I think back to that day when we flew out to Afghan never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine any of this.

I'm leaning against the car as I hear the engines and any minute now I'll see the plane. I watch as it lumbers along the runway and takes off into the blue skies above. I don't take my eyes off the plane as it soars higher and my hand is across my eyes to shield them from the sun. But, I don't stop watching. After ten minutes I cant see anything but sky. He's gone…


	2. Chapter 2

I'd known it was coming, she gave me lots of indicators. The long stares, her beautiful green eyes filling up with tears, the quiet sulk. It was always the same when one of us was going away or being deployed; she'd become irritable in the preceding days and then she'd pick a fight. It would be over something so ridiculous so inconsequential. But, I always went along with it I'd smile and let her rant and then when she was exhausted from it I'd hold her tight and let her regain her equilibrium.

I knew what it was for she was making memories, she wanted to have precious moments to remind her of me, us. Don't get me wrong I'm not making light of this I know the reality of our situation and what could happen. We've been through it already I'm one of the lucky ones. I know this time she's angry, sad that I want to go back on tour. But, I'm drowning not being out there doing something useful.

I love being her husband, I love the fact that I get to call her the _Mrs_ when I'm talking to the lads and that people think I'm the lucky SOB for having her in my life. And I've tried, I tried to work the desk job when the army wouldn't let me go. I begged for assignments where I could get away from the office. I'd done a tour in Jordan last year I felt reborn; it might have only been a joint exercise but the freedom I felt to be back out there leading a platoon there is no feeling like it. When I heard about the Kenya posting I was the first one to volunteer. I wanted it badly and I took it before I even discussed it with her. She hadn't got mad, she'd smiled as she listened to me nodding approval. She knew I was suffocating, she'd supported me even though I knew I'd disappointed her by wanting to go, wanting to leave her, leave us.

I look across the room at her huddled in my old shirt. She wont let me throw it out even though its held together with a button and good luck. Something spooks her and I know she is hanging on to her emotions by a thread. She's different the last few days I cant put my finger on it. Kenya is a dangerous place I know that but is it any different than Afghan?

Is she still worrying about Lane. Or Corporal Georgie Lane my new medic? I think back to two nights ago…

 _'_ _So are we going to behave like adults or will this sulk continue all night.' He stood hands on hip his head tilted to one side as he finished speaking. She gazed at him her eyes fiery as she flung the words at him. 'I'm not sulking Charles you said Corporal Lane. You never said Corporal Lane was A) female and B) some drop dead goddess.'_

 _He sat heavily on the edge of the sofa his face softening; as normal when he wanted to defuse the situation, he said nothing just watched her. His voice was quiet and kind when he spoke. 'Molly A) I never said Lane was a he or a she because it's not relevant. B) You need to stop listening to Fingers, Dangles or whoever told you she was a goddess. She's the medic a bloody good medic by all accounts, and that is all I care about. I need to get those lads back in one piece they are in my charge you know the score.'_

 _She nodded and sniffed as her eyes dropped to the carpet. 'But they said she's very pretty.' He stood walking quickly towards her, dropping to his knees in front of her. A finger under her chin to raise it up. He searched her face to understand what was really worrying her. 'Molly it's not just Lane thats upset you up so out with it.' He looked on concerned as her eyes filled with tears. 'I'm scared Charles really scared this time. It's so bleeding dangerous out there and…' His lips pressed against hers quickly and cut her off. His arms wrapped around her tiny frame pulling her body towards him. He leaned back slightly to look in her eyes. 'I'm going to be fine, we'll all be fine. Six months is going to fly by.'_

I walk towards her and crouch down she's trying to avoid looking at me and then her eyes look up into mine and my breath catches as I watch a lone tear trickle down her cheek. I reach up and wipe it away. My eyes search hers trying to gauge the moment. I'm worried about leaving her she seems different, fragile, uncertain. This is not like her and I wish she would shout at me, throw something but she looks at me eyes full of tears and shakes her head. I want to remember her smiles and laughter I don't want to go away for six months and think she is sitting in a dark room crying whilst huddled in that old shirt. I beg her to talk to me but she smiles and says everything is fine. It's not but what can I do? I fly in less than 24 hours.

We have dinner neither of us is hungry and we end up pushing food around our respective plates. I am watching her as tries to appear normal. She regales me with some funny story from a training session. I'm so proud of her she is an instructor now and her CO never fails to talk her up when I run into him. I hope she is proud of me wanting to go out and make a difference, thats whats its all about at the end of the day. Changing peoples lives for the better she made me see that fix the small things, help one person at a time.

Dadaab will allow me to do that a camp with over 350,000 refugees. I've watched the videos, I've read the files but I don't think they can prepare us for what we are going to see. They call this camp and its residents the refugees the world forgot. Will we make a difference? Can we even make a dent in helping any of those people? The platoon is ready to try I'm proud of the way they have prepared for this tour and the commitment I've seen on all their faces.

xxxx xxxx

As I turn away from her in the car park at Brize I feel a pain in my heart that I've never felt before. My legs are heavy as I walk and its all I can do to make it to the door. Behind me at the car she stands and watches. Her face is sad and there is something else wearily etched across it. That face is going to be the last thing I see of her for six month and it's going to haunt me until I speak to her tomorrow. I stop at the door and look over to her she's smiling waving trying to make out she's fine I do the same and head inside.

Its busy, organised chaos as everyone gets ready for the off. The platoon is assembled for the photograph and I take my position in the middle. I think back to that day when she joined us and I really thought she would be trouble, hold us back. Little did I know the impact she would have on me, on all of us. She was without doubt the best medic I've ever served with. As we walk back into the building I cast a glance at Lane surrounded by 2 section. The lads have all given it a shot to chat her up and she has politely shut them down one by one. She has some secrets but don't we all? I have no doubt she will cut it Molly opened my eyes to not taking everything at face value.

I'm watching her out of a window we have a small office the officers can use that looks out over the car park and I can see her sitting in the car. I know she's still crying and more than anything I want to go to her and hold her tight. She is hiding a secret she thinks I don't know but I do…..

I know because I emptied the bin before we left this morning and as I tipped it into the wheelie outside I saw an empty box. I had to root around of course not easy to find the contents; I found it wrapped in a tissue at the back of a drawer on her side of the bed. She was hiding it from me I know that she doesn't want me to worry about her.

I didn't say anything although I wanted to throw my arms around her and swing her around joyfully. I am so happy about it I could burst but, I'm going to miss everything and thats why she hasn't told me. She doesn't want me worrying, she doesn't want me wondering. She wants me to stay focused, stay alert and come home alive.

A tap on the door and I'm advised of boarding in preparation for departure. I give one more wistful look outside willing her to look my way and see me; but she has her head down. This is torture pure and simple my wife, my beautiful wife is pregnant with our first child and I'm leaving her for six months. What sort of a man am I? How could I have thought this was a good idea?

Wheels up and we're gone every second takes me further away from her and I know she is probably still sitting in that car park watching me disappear and I feel like shit. I have wanted this freedom, I ached for it and now I realise that what we had should have been enough for me. Because now I'm going to miss the most precious months of what should be bloody joy….

 ** _So my one shot has turned into something else…._**

 ** _Thank you for the really lovely comments and feedback. This may have another couple of chapters if thats okay?_**


	3. Chapter 3

All mothers worry about their children don't they? It doesn't matter how old they are you still worry. Thats the job of a mother isn't it? I'm no exception right now I'm sitting in the kitchen nursing a luke warm cup of coffee staring at the phone in my hand. I'm in shock it's a happy kind of shock though well, at least I think it is. I didn't even know they were trying for a baby I'm happy of course I am but it's a tricky time and so I'm worried. I worry a lot I'm a mother it goes with the territory. I'm worried because this was not supposed to happen and now its landed in my lap…. And I'm not sure how thats happened.

Today he leaves and he calls me to say good bye I try to hold it together as normal. But, when he tells me the news I cant help the tears because not only is this the best news but, he is going to miss this wonderful time with her; he is leaving her alone and that is probably hitting him hardest. He sounds bereft, adrift, guilty. He knows now what going away actually means. He'd been away when Rebecca was pregnant but was home in time for Sam being born. It hadn't meant that much to him emotionally before. I think he loved her in his own way and he was excited of course but he was not connected at that time. He absolutely adores Sam I wouldn't want you to think he doesn't Sam is part of him, part of his life. But now everything is different and he cant change it I'm now tasked with being the one who has to spy on my wonderful daughter in law and see if I can get her to confide in me. The worst part will be if she does I have to then relay it to him out there. She didn't tell him she was pregnant and that is typical of her not wanting to burden him knowing he'd worry and fuss. That girl is one in a million he is lucky she stuck with him after everything. And now he wants me to betray her and seriously I'm not sure I can do it, I'm not sure I want to do it. I feel angry with him for making such a selfish decision to go back into a dangerous environment. I cant say I understand it, I cant agree with it when his life for the last year or so has been steady, secure. But to be honest if I think back I knew it was coming.

I wouldn't want you to think I'm criticising him and the decision he's made to leave her oh no, my son is a wonderful human being I couldn't be prouder. He is an amazing man I've watched him grow of course and seen him change into this responsible human being. But, I'd started to worry about him when he went to Afghan the last time. He'd built a wall around himself a defence mechanism after everything. His previous tour he'd lost a platoon member and it stayed with him he felt responsible he bore the burden of guilt at the loss of a young life every day. It was the final straw for Rebecca and she told him the marriage was over. I don't blame her in fact it was the best thing she could have done for both of them. Their marriage had been limping along for years. The end when it came allowed him to live again and he did that because of an amazing woman who I am so proud to call my daughter in law now. She climbed over that wall he'd built, what am I saying she kicked the bloody thing down. Molly wouldn't bother climbing she'd bulldoze it.

They have not had it easy he arrived back on a stretcher hanging onto life by a thread. But he is strong and he battled hard. He gets that from his father stubborn refusing to let go of something fighting for what they want. He fought for life and he fought for her. The rehab took its toll on him and some days I wanted to throttle him as he swore and argued with the team at Headley Court. She would stand at the side watching him and just as he gave up on an exercise she would step forward and whisper words of encouragement. His head would dip as he absorbed the words and then he would start again. A gentle touch to his face, a sweep over his curls I knew she loved him. I watched and was in awe of her, she never gave up on him, never walked away. That is love; what they have now is love a real deep love. Somethings that he'd never had before and it will last a lifetime I know that.

But the last few months, the work he was doing was suffocating him and it was only a matter of time before he broke out…

So here I am sat watching the minutes tick by as I now stare at the clock knowing his plane will take off soon. My beautiful son who definitely has nine lives is off on another tour this will be number 6. Although he would say you cant count number 5 as it was a military exercise in Jordan.

Whatever dear!

The next six months will go like this for me: I will have sleepless nights, I will worry every single day and I will watch the news uneasily. Every time there is a knock on my door I will jump and walk nervously to answer it. My mind will be distracted and I will not breathe easy until he calls me from UK soil to tell me he's home; and I know she will be exactly the same.

My mind drifts back to the day he told us he was going we were having lunch in Bath, I looked immediately at her and saw the tightening of her jaw as she listened. I watched her nod and smile at all the right times, say all the right things but I saw it in those big green eyes; the fear, the uncertainty. I felt the sadness oozing out of her pores and the energy flowing from him as he talked about Kenya.

I'm still clutching the phone I cant seem to put it down even though I know he's gone and I know right now as he sits on that plane he is regretting going. I could hear it in his voice the pain, the worry, the sadness.

How do you tell your 6ft something son to pull himself together when he's almost in tears? How do you reassure him as he leaves us all behind. He knows that what lies ahead of him is not a picnic because where he is going is a war zone. It might not be Afghanistan or Iraq but it's not safe, its volatile and anything could happen.

How do you sort this out….

Oh dear I feel a migraine coming on where is my husband when I need him?


	4. Chapter 4

I'm beginning to think this lot of numpties are gonna be trouble and it starts with the Captain. I'm pretending to listen to the playlist on my phone but I'm actually looking around the carrier thinking have I made a dreadful mistake in signing up for this mission. My previous CO told me I needed to do this, that I had to get back out there and not think about the past. 'You cant change it Lane.' He'd told me I knew that, I know that I mean I'm not bloody stupid am I? Just because you're a good looking woman you get more aggro in this game. Sometimes I have to count to ten before speaking being pretty has its drawbacks. I've gotten used to the privates who think their chat up lines are original and will win me over. None of them will, I've got my own ghosts to lay on this mission and I don't need a man getting in my way whilst I clear the fog from my head.

I gaze around at these men who are my family for the next six months. Ye Gods they look like a shower of shit I hope once they step off the plane they know what to do. How to hold a gun would be a good start. I don't fancy having to mother them for the duration. Pop tarts and sun cream will suffice thank you very much.

I catch the Boss' eye and he gives me a bleak smile. What the fuck happened to him in the last 24 hours? Yesterday we had our last briefing and he was hopping around the room smiling to himself. I'd heard he volunteered for this, he'd tried to leave the army a couple of years ago. After Aghan, after he offered to resign his commission. The Afghan tour had been the catalyst for a lot of things in his life. You don't recover from those type of injuries without some scars both mentally and emotionally. But, he really seems to know his stuff. I can understand why the army wouldn't let him go we need people like this.

When we'd finished up yesterday he'd sat with me and the Sarg. I like him too he seems to know what he's doing so we will make a good team. Bit of eye candy as well which always helps. Hey it can't always be the boys looking at my arse! I get something too….

So where was I? Oh yeah Captain James, so yesterday he's on fire running through everything he's on the ball. I'm impressed I've heard he is good with his men and this shower of shit (that is definitely gonna be my pet name for them) love him. They sit gazing up at him as he speaks and hang on his every word. There is a deep connection with the 2 section boys its different to the rest of the platoon. It's obviously got something to do with some bloke called Smurf I hear them talking about him a lot. I found out he'd died after they returned back to the UK, that Molly had been with him and tried to save him. Imagine fighting a war in Afghan and surviving that then dying back here it's not fair is it?

First time I met the bossman I think I was like those 2 section boys; gazing at him like he was a god etc. I mean he is drop dead gorgeous big brown chocolatey eyes and that smile. Well, lets just say when he turns it on you, it's a wow moment. But, he's not my type too handsome, too bloody posh too flipping Sandhurst, so I got over that and I'm immune to him now. I like my men… Well actually I think thats a story for another day.

So back to the Captain I spot him in the car park this morning and I see his wife. Now I've been gagging to meet her. The famous Molly Dawes who risked her life to save a member of her section the famous Molly Dawes who received the MC. More importantly the famous Molly Dawes who snagged herself an officer. What a scandal that was I've heard all about it. How he told his CO that he would rather resign than lose her. How he stayed home whilst she went off on a tour. Not many men like that. It makes me like him even more that he's not threatened by her but supports her. They must be quite a team.

I'm glad I've finally got to meet her in the flesh. She is tiny and I get why she's tearful not easy to say good bye to your other half. But there's something else I see it in her eyes and I feel an overwhelming desire to give her a hug but I don't. I try and defuse any ideas she might have about me. I know what she's probably heard but I don't want her husband so I hope I allay any fears by the brief chat we have. I'm not competition and I hope she gets that.

Brains told me Molly was the bravest person he'd ever met barring Captain James which makes sense that they'd find each other I guess. But the woman I stood in front of today was not brave she was trying to hold it together and so was he. We are so going to meet up when this is over I'm gonna make sure that happens. You don't always have many friends you can confide in, trust, rely on in life. It would be nice to find someone I could. It would be nice to let out the secrets I've buried and just breathe easy.

Where was I? Ah yes Captain James; When he eventually got inside he was off his game, distracted kept disappearing into the officer's area and when we started boarding he looked back over his shoulder as though he was gonna make a run for the car park.

Now I'm still sat watching him and there is an overwhelming sadness hovering over him, he's got a book open on his lap but he's not reading it. He looks up and meets my eye again; For a brief second I see the real man raw, vulnerable, distressed but just as quickly the mask returns and he gives a nod before looking down again.

I'm intrigued as to what could possibly be wrong and have changed since yesterday. I will find out, I hate secrets well I like mine but I don't want anyone else to have any…. It cant be this mission he's been raring to go for weeks, it cant be a fear of flying the man was hanging off a helicopter winch the other day. So it must be at home… Hmmmmm I close my eyes and drift off I will find out.

xxxxxxx

I'm awakened by a rough hand shaking me. 'Wake up Lane Boss is talking.' I rub my eyes quickly and focus up as he continues speaking drilling instructions into us.

'Right. Hour outside Dadaab. All don your full protective clothing including helmets. That includes you Fingers.' There is laughter as Dangles thumps Fingers arm to reemphasise the point. Fingers nods and whereas normally he'd crack a joke he pulls his bergen towards him and cracks on. Everyone is suddenly looking very serious. The reality of our mission starts to be realised and books, iPods etc are packed away as people prepare for landing. I lean forward and pull my bergen towards me trying to stretch out. My back is killing me you'd think by now they would invent something that would be a bit more comfortable to travel all these miles in. But no make it as uncomfortable as possible, make it rattle so much you worry that your teeth might fall out. I sit back as best I can with my kevlar hogging up a lot of my space. I look around as I fasten my gloves. Excitement, fear, trepidation across the faces of the lads. This is it…

 _ **Thanks as always for the feedback and support.**_


	5. Chapter 5

Cad….

 _A man who behaves dishonourably especially towards a woman._

Could that be me? I mean I've left my wife for six months all because I needed to satisfy some primeval demon within me. And now I've got my mother staying at our home on a fact finding mission to see if my wife will give her secret away. Poor Mum in the middle of my problems who adores me but despairs of me in equal measure I'm sure.

It's a pattern with me leaving pregnant wives at home and disappearing on tour for a few months.

Thats not good is it? Don't answer that! I already feel bad enough as it is I certainly don't need anyone else telling me.

Thing is with Rebecca I didn't feel guilty she didn't need me around. She didn't care I missed the scans and ante natal classes. Even as Sam entered the world she didn't look happy that I was in the delivery room. When I disappeared off on tour within a few months she was not bothered in fact she was almost pushing me out of the door so I felt no guilt at going. I've always loved being on tour, living out of a bergen but its all different now…

I most definitely am not a good person so maybe that is a cad. I feel like a lowlife for behaving like this and wonder why I just cant ask her outright. We've spoken on the phone every few days and even skyped a couple of times. Each time I hear the sadness in her voice even though she says she's fine just tired. When I saw her face I saw up close what I had done to her. Me the person who loves her, adores her, wants only the best for her. Huh thats some joke.

I know why I don't ask her, if I do and she tells me what can I say? More importantly what can I do? It's not like I can hop on a plane and go home, I cant jump in my car and drive to her. I cant throw my arms around her and scoop her up swinging her high as we laugh and smile at each other. I cant even feel happy and I know this is amazing news. We've wanted it to happen. I'm lost and I don't know what to do to make it right.

My bad mood is interrupted by a knock at the door I rise heavily and open it. Lane, again! She's like the proverbial bad penny always popping up.

'Corporal Lane what can I do for you this time?' She grins as she pushes past me and walks into my office. She disregards my comments and plonks herself down in a chair.

'Sir I'm a good listener and I think you need to tell me whatever it is thats bothering you.'

I close the door quickly and turn. WTF!

'Corporal, Erm I appreciate the concern but I'm fine.' I walk slowly back to my makeshift desk and sit down creating a barrier between us. Nervously I reach for a pen and start twisting it in my fingers as I glare across the room at her. She gives a wry smile before she speaks. 'Right the thing is Boss you're not fine, you're not okay, you're not happy in fact you are being incredibly miserable and it's beginning to impact the lads. Mansfield came looking for happy pills today says your mood is affecting him.'

I smirk and give a short laugh. 'What did you do?' She giggles quietly. 'I gave him two tic tacs disguised as mood enhancers and sent him on his way. But, I know there is something wrong and I'm sorry but you need to get it out of your system and as the medic well it's my duty to look after everyone. So spill it Sir.'

I sigh and lean back in my chair, my eyes close briefly and I can see Molly happy as she smiles at me before I blink open and realise its the opposite. 'Lane you know this is totally inappropriate and against army regulations.'

Her head tilts to one side as she studies me and absorbs the question. 'I'm the medic, I'm concerned about one of my team there is nothing wrong with that Sir.' The way she emphasises Sir lets me know I'm not going to get out of this easily.

'Do you have any secrets Lane?' I catch her off guard with the question and I see her vulnerability and a smidgen of fear ripple across her face. 'Everyone has at least one don't they?' She takes a moment to compose herself but, her answer is vague and I realise she wont be giving much away. I look down at the pen and see its from London Zoo we'd taken Sam there a few weeks ago and he and Molly had disappeared coming back with a bag of assorted items I might gonna need out here, the pen being one of them. Smiling I look up and I'm met with a steely gaze.

'My wife has a secret and I know what it is.' She doesn't utter a word obviously thinking it's the worst kind of secret I'm going to share. 'She's pregnant Lane wipe that shocked look off your face.' She gives a sigh of relief and smiles. 'Phew you had me a bit worried there. But why is this so awful I mean your married I'm guessing kids is a natural next step.'

'I found out the morning we were deployed quite by accident and I didn't say a word. I feel a complete shit because I was so wrapped up in this, in me and my dreams that I forgot what was really important to me and it's Molly. It's our life together and our future.' I can see she is struggling to understand what I'm talking about.

'So let me get this straight your wife is pregnant, she didn't tell you. But you found out and you still haven't said anything?' I nod quickly. 'Yep thats about it.'

'So don't you think the proper thing Sir, would be to fess up. Say you know let her know how happy you are, how proud you are of her. Because the next thing is you wont be able to have a conversation cause you'll feel too guilty and.' She stops, mulling over what to say next her voice lower when she finally speaks. 'I don't know Molly very well just by reputation really but, I do know as a woman that if you love someone you let them go and if they truly love you they will come back.'

'Whats your point Lane?' My voice is impatient I've shared too much its uncomfortable and I have a feeling I'm in for a bollocking any minute judging by her facial expressions. It would be kind of great if someone else knocked on the door or she left but I'm not going to be that lucky today. I look quickly at the closed door willing something to happen. Nothing does so I turn back to her as she raises a hand to emphasis what she's about to say. 'My point Captain James is your wife loves you and she didn't want you to feel guilty at doing this tour. She knows you better than you know yourself. She let you go thats why she didn't tell you about the baby.'

'What does that even mean?' She's talking in riddles to me and maybe I'm being obtuse or maybe I just don't want to hear what she's telling me. 'It means get over yourself Sir, it means think about your wife who is stuck at home whilst you are out here. It means it's not all about you its about Molly who is probably terrified every day about having a baby and being alone. It means get your head out of your arse Sir.'

'Fu..' I stop before I complete the word sitting silent as I realise she is completely right. Ignoring what is happening is not helping the situation I need to tell Molly I know. More importantly I need to tell her I love her and how happy we should be regardless of the situation we are in right now. This tour will come to an end and then I'll be home and I'll be home in time to share the important moment our child is born.

'I should put you up on a charge for that last comment Lane.' I smile weakly as I force the words out and she laughs standing quickly. 'Sounds like you are back to normal Sir my work here is done.' She heads for the door and stops turning quickly to me. 'Just call her and reassure her thats what she needs right now.' I nod slowly and stand feeling a flush on my cheeks. 'Thanks Lane.' She nods and smiles back. 'Yeah well just don't let onto Mansfield my secret of tic tacs eh its proved invaluable the last few years with moody soldiers.'

'Nothing said in this room leaves it your secrets are safe with me.' My gaze is probably a bit over the top as I wait for her to reply. 'Of course boss captains/ medics/ priests we are so similar its scary.' I laugh loudly as I feel the tension drifting off my shoulders she gives a quick salute before pointing towards my phone sitting on the desk. As the door clicks quietly signalling I'm alone again I reach for the phone and scroll thru stopping when I find it.

Home.

I hit connect and wait for the ring tone to kick in pacing the room as it brrr's in my ear.

'Hello darling how are you?'


End file.
